Terrors of Online Dating

As much as I hate to admit it, I was online dating for a little over 2 years. I think it took me long enough to realize that this is not an experience I ever want to have again. Nothing against online dating...for the record, the crazy people are everywhere. 

I remember in my early 20’s, I was constantly reminded that I should meet people casually...such as the church, gas station, etc. So one day, I saw a cute guy park next to me at the grocery store. I was leaving and he was going in. I felt like an idiot and decided to wait for him to come back out and gave him my lame line of “Hey, you want to go out sometime?” Least to say, he was probably the craziest person I ever met...a married man who became my stalker. It took the police to get him away from me. What I’m trying to say is, if you are going to date, you will run into crazy people, no matter what your means are of meeting people.

During those 2 years, I gained enough experience to know how to sift through people. Why meet a person if you already know it’s not going to be a pleasant experience? Well, it certainly limited my online dates, but after all, I was just looking for one person.

Since I am a girl, I’m focusing this blog on what women should look for and what men shouldn’t do. Believe me, I have heard horror stories from men as well, and some of the things I say can go both ways. I seen this firsthand with my 60 year old dad who is computer illiterate, so I managed his account for him. I couldn’t believe he was getting more hits than I was, until I opened all the profiles, and all the girls were in their 20’s and super hot. I told him they were scammers...that some of them are not real people. The ones that are real people think “ah, an old man with lots of money”. If they only knew how “big” his disability check was. 

So here we go with the list for Online Dating for Idiots.

1. If you have a picture up, with half your head missing, I am aware you are bald. I may not care that you are bald, but the fact you are trying to hide it makes you look deceiving...what else are you going to “lie” about?
2. If you have a picture up only showing your face, I know you are hiding the rest of yourself for a purpose! Same consequences apply as in #1.
3. If you only have one picture up or a very vague profile, I know you are a fake person or someone who is just looking for a little action.
4. If you have no picture, or fuzzy, not easy to see pictures, you are married. If you really feel you can’t be seen online dating because of your profession, you really need to find another way to date. Besides, I know this is a lie, because you are really married. Did you know that 33% of people dating online are actually married?
5. If you have pictures up of hot girls hanging all over you, that is actually a turn on. If you are hot, you look like a player. If you are ugly, you look pathetic.
6. If your picture has a glossy, orange tint to it, or if you have a rat tail, I know your picture was from 1985.
7. For the record, I don’t care what your dog looks like. Oh wait a minute...or was that you?
8. As an example, if you are 45, and say on your profile you are looking for a girl between the ages of 21-30, don’t contact me. I’m 35. If you think you can have a good relationship with someone that young, then I’m assuming your mentality level is not high enough for me.
9. Speaking of age, date someone your own age. I would not date a 35 year old who has the age range of 28-34. Seriously? You can’t date someone your own age? As a joke, I one time set my age range to 21-34. Wow, did the older ones get upset. Well, same here.
10. Do not say you make over 100K a year, then look like you haven’t showered in a month, with the falling apart trailer in the background. If you have to lie, at least be consistent.
11. If you really make over 100K a year, don’t complain that you get people who are using you for your money. You advertised it. That’s what you get. You advertise it because you realize you have nothing but that going for you and any good girl, who isn’t after money, realizes that.
12. If a girl contacts you that is extremely better looking than you, get off your high horse. She just wants your money.
13. If you are 50 and land a hot 30 year old chic, she does not find you attractive. She just wants your money.
14. If you claim to be a doctor, misspell 2 syllable words and write in all caps, let me know where you work so I will be sure to never get medical attention from there.
15. If you in another state, I have no idea what you are contacting me. That goes for being 3 hours away as well.
16. Don’t state in your profile that you are looking for “that special someone”, when you are only looking for “that one thing.”
17. I appreciate good fathers who care about their kids, but if your time is that limited, you should not be dating.
18. If you write me an email saying, “hey babe” or “hey sexy”, I’m just going to assume you are a player, and I will never reply.
19. Girls have options. I’d pick the person who offers to take me out to dinner versus the person who just wants to meet over coffee. Sorry. It’s just a fact.
20. If you ask me questions that I answered in my profile, I know you didn’t take the time to read it.
21. If I say I’m a smoker, I wasn’t lying. I really am a smoker.
22. If I say I don’t want anymore kids, I wasn’t lying. I don’t want anymore kids.
23. If you put a great emphasis on finding a good looking girl, you appear to be shallow. Besides, the men who say that are usually the ones that need a bag over their head.
24. If you have small children, good luck. I’ve been there and I’m not doing it again. Most people are not interested in that situation, but if you tell me my kids are too old for you, I’m assuming you are looking for little children to molest.
25. If you call me at 8 p.m. on a Saturday night, asking me for a date, I’m assuming you are trying to get laid or just got stood up. For the record, you’ll never meet me.
26. If you start fighting with me on the phone before we ever meet, I’m thinking we are not off to a good start, and no, I’m not willing to meet.
27. If you never meet me, fight with me on the phone and decide to contact me again 6 months later, yes, I still feel the same. I still don’t want to meet.
28. Whether I meet you or not, texting me everyday, or once every 3 months is not making me interested in you. I am aware you have many girls texting you, and unfortunately for you, is your means of feeling “wanted” by lots of girls. I am not interested.
29. If I met someone and tell you that, what I am trying to say is “stop contacting me.”
30. I don’t care how hot you are. If you have 5 kids by 4 different women, I’m not interested.
31. If you are rich and famous and can’t stop talking about yourself, then it is true what your other dates are saying about you...you really are conceited, and yes, I’m thinking the same thing.
32. Don’t chase something better looking than you and wonder why you can’t find “love.”
33. If you are in your 40s and try to act cool with your 20 year old daughter and her friends, the only thing I have to say is, “grow up.”
34. If you are in your early 20s and contact me, of course I’m flattered, but I have a different agenda than you and that’s as far as it will go.
35. If you wait over a week to contact me after we meet, I’ve already moved on.
36. If you wrote a book, that’s great, but I really don’t want to spend the entire first date talking about it.
37. If I start dating you and you are incapable of participating in a conversation and have no emotions whatsoever except starting an argument, yep, I was still online dating that entire time.
38. If we decide to get off the online dating site and step up to webcam, if you suddenly become naked, I’m gathering my friends around laughing...and no, I will never meet you.
39. If you drive 3 hours away to meet me and get a hotel room, guilt trips for your long trip is not going to convince me to stay the night with you.
40. If you can’t hold a conversation and I meet someone on our date that does, is not grounds for keying my car.
41. If you are a psychology major and want me to take a bunch of online tests and share your results with me, I’m scared.
42. Calling me a bitch for standing you up is not going to suddenly make me like you.
43. Calling my phone at all hours of the night is not going to suddenly make me like you.
44. Bragging about past online dates that you have had is not going to make me like you.
45. When I meet you, just be yourself, because a disguise is hard to maintain for very long.
46. If you told me you were in a porn, but it was a really long time ago, uh, I’m no longer interested.
47. If your profile says you are currently separated, move along. If you decide to lie, again, a disguise is hard to maintain for very long.
48. If I get contacted by another girl online telling me what a rotten person you are, I’ll assume she is jealous or telling me the truth. Either way, I’ll assume your life is a drama fest.
49. If you are aware you are not good with relationships, perhaps maybe you should not be looking for one.
50. If you are old looking for 20 year olds, lets just assume your dating life is over. That is, unless you want to start looking in the nursing homes.